Playing together: shared toys, remote control and hygiene

The most common worry about bringing a toy into a partnership is that it replaces someone. In practice it does the opposite when it is introduced as something you use together rather than something one person needs. Talk about it outside the bedroom first, buy it together if you can, and try it in a low-stakes way — hands on it, both of you, no expectation that this is the session where everything changes.

Start with things that involve two people by design. A cock ring is worn by one person and felt by both, and the vibrating versions put stimulation exactly where contact already happens. Suction and clitoral toys are easy to hand over mid-session because they need no insertion and no aiming. Remote and app-controlled wearables move the control to whoever is not wearing them, which is a different game entirely: the fun is in the anticipation, so agree the rules before you leave the house. Range is the thing people misjudge — a small remote works across a room, and app control depends on a phone connection rather than line of sight, so check the product page for which one you are buying.

Strap-on play needs slightly more planning and repays it. Buy the harness and the attachment as a matched pair, or check the base type against the harness before ordering, because a flared or suction base does not fit every ring. Try the harness on with clothes on first and adjust it properly: it should sit close to the hip bones with no slack, because everything loose becomes movement you did not intend. Lubricant goes on both the outside and the inside of the receiving position, and the wearer should expect to need a few minutes to learn where the angle actually lands.

Anal play between partners follows one hard rule: every insertable toy needs a flared base or a retrieval loop, and everything in our anal department has one. Beyond that, go slower than you think you need to, use far more lubricant than feels necessary, and let the receiving partner set the pace and the depth. Nothing goes from anal use to vaginal use without a full clean or a fresh condom — that route is the single most reliable way to cause an infection.

Hygiene is where shared toys differ from solo ones. Wash before and after every session, not just after, and wash between partners even within the same session. Use warm water and unperfumed soap, or a purpose-made cleaner, and pay attention to seams, ridges and the base of any suction cup. Silicone tolerates soap and water and boiling only if the product page says so; anything with a motor, a battery or a charging port should not be submerged unless it is rated submersible, and splashproof means it survives a rinse rather than a sink. Dry everything fully before it goes away.

If you are sharing something porous, or anything you cannot fully clean, put a condom on it and change the condom between people. That applies to TPE masturbators, mixed-material toys and anything with fabric on it. Bear in mind lubricant compatibility too: silicone lubricant degrades silicone toys over time, so water-based is the default when a toy and a lubricant meet.

Games, dice and card sets are worth a mention because they solve the awkward part rather than the physical part. They give you a script for asking, which is often the actual obstacle. So does watching or reading something together and stopping to say what you noticed.

Two habits make all of this easier. First, agree a way to stop or change course that carries no criticism in it — a word, a phrase, anything you both recognise. Second, talk afterwards, briefly and specifically: what you would do again, what you would skip. Couples who do that end up needing far less negotiation next time.